Trying to sort things out in my mind. Sorting. The time of year I guess. No luck today really. Got a bit of stitching done. I'll talk about that tomorrow at Diaries. Not today. Today, well, just gonna sit and stare and try to figure out why I feel so confused. Perhaps holidays without Mom will be confusing for a while.
The year is winding down. December will be a month of undoing a few things, sorting in a way. I am changing my shop situation, said that before, finally getting to it. Classes are still "on sale" till tomorrow. Hoping to get a few more pieces done but who knows really. Just here, sorting it all out. My merchant mind is in hibernation. Booking flights to elsewhere, having thoughts about small journeys.Just here, warm, unsorted. Scraps of self in a heap. Sometimes the natural order of things is like that.
I'll gather myself under the cloth I call Home and rest a bit.
As the cold closes in, I realize, since we have decided to live smaller to save energy and money, it is time to eliminate whining. Even if it is in my mind. It's been warmer these last few years, even with all the storms. And this winter promises to be very cold. In my mind I have been complaining. That's enough.
This morning I watched the copper pot reflect the sunrise. Just sitting there, being the beautiful pot that it is. On a cold stove in a cold studio, on a new day.
I have shut the studio down for the cold months. Burning wood in two stoves is too much really. Too much wood, too much work.
We saved up and put an efficient wood burning insert in the other fireplace and moved all the essentials into that room. Normally we both have our own "space". Now we sit across from each other on the table that we now work on and eat on and what ever it is we will do until spring. We will be warm and if we don't kill each other by April, all will be well. It is amazing how much less looks like when it is cramped into a small space. Now truly the "living room". ( which adjoins to the kitchen which is warm enough as well.)
The boiler is off and we will only heat water on demand. So far sleeping in the loft is warm enough. The heat rises. The bathroom.., well, the seat can get mighty cold.
How things you do might fall way but not disappear. How sense of self might lose clarity but remain as an impression. Of essence. How you might look into and through self like fog wondering if you will lose your way. Wondering if you care. How you might sit and stare and find only a sense of something, knowing that might be enough. How waking seems dream like and you feel thankful for that. How you wish you could find a place in the natural order that didn't seem so chaotic. But then how losing something becomes finding out more about it. How you long for more time. How you wish you could fix it for someone just by simply sewing patches together. And so you do that and it helps simply because you feel calmer. Deep breath.
Patchwork can be like a prayer.
Direct link to today's Diaries entry even though I am having issues loading video.